Steps to Conflict Resolution
Most conflicts happen as a result of struggling to have one's goals met. Ideally, we should handle conflicts in a collaborative, win-win manner (LOOK, p. 291). This occurs when each person in the conflict gives and takes until a mutually satisfactory outcome has been reached.
Use the following method to help you develop your skills for handling conflicts collaboratively and thereby enhance the chances of win-win resolutions.
Step 1 - Identify Your Problem and Unmet Needs
The first step to solving a problem involves identifying that you have a problem and defining what it is. You are the one who has the problem - you are the one who is dissatisfied. You need to be clear about what needs are not being met.
Step 2 - Schedule a date
Each person needs to be "ready" to discuss the situation. It cannot be done in passing or during a heated discussion. Take the time to sit down and discuss the problem without interruptions.
Step 3 - Describe Your Problem and Needs
Now that you know what the problem is, clearly explain it to the other person. Be sure to include a simple, clear, concise statement of the behaviour that is bothering you (state objectively), your interpretation of the person's behaviour, how it makes you feel, the consequences and your intentions. Consider the following example:
"Jack, when you leave your dirty clothes on the floor in the bathroom (behaviour), I have to be sure they are picked up (consequence) and I think that you are disrespecting me (interpretation), which makes me angry (feeling). I would like you to please put your clothes in the laundry basket in our bedroom so I don't feel like your maid and so I don't have to nag you about this (intention).
Step 4 - Consider Your Partner's Point of View
The other person needs to feel involved in the discussion in order to be sure their needs are also met. Consider:
"I'm sorry, but when I get home from work and have a shower, I am just so tired that I forget to put the clothes in the laundry basket."
Step 5 - Negotiate a Solution
Generate a list of possible solutions. For example:
"Why don't we put the laundry basket in the bathroom so you don't have to take your dirty clothes into the bedroom when you get out of the shower?" or
"Perhaps you could get undressed in the bedroom before going to the shower."
Step 6 - Follow Up the Solution
Once the chosen solution has been implemented for a while, take the time to evaluate it. Discuss it with the other person. For example:
"Jack, I've noticed that since we moved the basket into the bathroom, you have been putting your clothes in the basket. Thank you!"
REMEMBER: Becoming skilled at conflict resolution takes practice.
