Preventing Defensiveness in Others
The best chance to create a favourable response comes with messages that honour another's presenting self-image. There are many ways for this to occur. The following communication behaviours will encourage others to feel supported:
- Descriptive messages - describe the speaker's position without evaluating other's ("I" messages)
- Problem orientation - communicators work together to solve their problem
- Spontaneity - being honest with others rather than manipulating them
- Empathy - see the situation from the other's point of view
- Equality - regards other as worthy of respect
- Provisionalism - willingness to consider the other's position
Photo by V Cobham
Saving Face: The Clear Message Format
Developing the ability to be assertive without aggression is a learned skill. The clear message format provides a clear yet nonthreatening way to communicate. There are five parts to the clear message format: behaviour, interpretation, feeling, consequence and intention.
Unclear Message: "It's awful when you can't trust a friend."
Clear Message: "Lena, when I gave you the keys to my house, (behaviour)I figured you'd know to lock up again when you left. (interpretation) I was worried and scared (feeling) because I found the door unlocked and thought there was a break-in.(consequence)I want to know that you can be depended on to lock the doors." (intention)
When combining these five parts to form a clear message a person needs to consider:
- The elements or parts may be delivered in mixed order.
- Word the message to suit your own personal style.
- When appropriate, combine two elements in a single phrase.
- Take your time delivering the message.
